Love and Loss

Last Saturday, I lost someone who was at one time very important to me.  He died very unexpectedly from a heart attack.  Phil was THE guy in high school.  I was sure I loved him.  I bought him Brut cologne for his birthday (December 4), and he came to see me in the hospital when I had knee surgery our senior year of high school.  He was cute and funny.  He played basketball for CYO (Catholic Youth Organization), and I saw him play often.  (He wore #33.)  We often stood at our lockers and talked until we were late for class, but when it came time for prom, he took someone else.  (A someone else who turned out to be his ex-wife...)

I hadn't seen him in years--although I saw him and his son at Red Lobster last summer before I moved back to NC.  I didn't say anything to him that day because I wasn't entirely sure it was him-- he and I made eye contact, but inasmuch as I look much different than the last time he saw me, I don't think he was sure it was me, either.  But by the photograph that accompanied his obituary, I know now it definitely WAS him.  I wish I had spoken to him that day.  Sigh...

I learned of his sudden passing on a page on Facebook for my (can you believe it?) 40th high school reunion. Ironically, his son is married to a former student, and he and she had their first child (and Phil's first grandchild) on the day he died.  I was so shocked to learn of his death that I felt it had to be a mistake...until I confirmed it by reading the obit.  It just doesn't seem possible.  Even now, more than a week later, I'm still stunned and so very sad.

Phil is the third man from my past to have died.  Bill died several years ago--he was someone I had dated in my 20s who revisited me in my 40s. He had cancer, and his passing was a blessing as he suffered greatly. William passed away unexpectedly from a blood clot following spinal surgery.  I truly loved all these men but William was the only one with whom I had current contact.  I met William on AOL in 1998.  He and I had a complicated relationship--but I loved him, and I know he loved me.  He and I spoke every couple weeks; the attraction between us was still strong; in fact, the weekend before his surgery, he propositioned me, and laughing, I turned him down.  I wish I hadn't.  I wish we had met once last time...I wish we had made love one last time...I miss him so much.  I discovered on my iPhone that deleted phone messages are never truly deleted--and I was able to restore them.  I listen to them now and then when I'm missing him the most.

I'm hurting so much tonight...not just for Phil--we hadn't seen each other in years and probably had nothing in common--but for Bill and for William and for all the possibilities that just aren't anymore.  I know that people quote Tennyson, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all", but as I sit here alone and heartbroken, I'm not so sure...

Body Parts and Broken Hearts

I want to ask you a question.  What is your favorite body part?  Seriously.  Think about your body--that glorious mass of bones and tissue that covers and protects your heart, lungs, liver and other organs.  What's your favorite body part?

My favorite body part USED to be my eyes.  I still love them--they change color and are sometimes greener than they are at other times.  My eyelashes are really long and curly, and I love them.  People notice them, and I get a lot of compliments.  But I have a NEW favorite body part--my collarbones.  

I love my collarbones.  As you can see by this picture, they are rather prominent.

 

I love them.  I find myself stroking them, rapping on them (they make a cool hollow sound), grabbing at them.  Collarbones.  I've always HAD them, but before the surgery, I couldn't see them or feel them. My collarbones are this wonderfully TANGIBLE sign of the difference this surgery has made in my life.

There's a new documentary called "All of Me" about women who have had gastric bypass surgery.  These women used to be "fat acceptance advocates", but one by one decided that the health benefits of the surgery were right for her.  Some of these women lost a lot of weight; a couple did not.  But what struck me was the fact that a few lost friends and/or spouses.

My question to this is WHY?  Why do friends and lovers feel threatened by this surgery?  When I had mine,my fiance James didn't want me to do so.  Although he took me to the hospital, he left me on Friday night and didn't come back to the hospital until Sunday to pick me up.  He didn't throw away the junk food in my house that I had asked him to throw away.  I knew that it was the beginning of the end for us. He admitted to me (after I pressured him for an answer) that he wasn't sure he could be attracted to a smaller me.  He later said that he was afraid that if I lost the weight, I'd no longer be attracted to him.  (I'm not sure but I think that was insulting--did he not TRUST me?)

A woman in the documentary said that her new body didn't match her husband's sexual desires, but they are "trying" to hold their marriage together. He had moved out but they were dating.  Other women in the film talked about losing friends.  I had a friend--someone I thought was a GOOD friend--Crystal.  She and I used to meet for dinner whenever our busy schedules allowed.  But when I lost the weight--and began to look good--she was just too busy.  What happened there?  I'm not sure, but I theorize that she felt threatened by someone who would take the spotlight away from her. She stopped calling, didn't return my calls and didn't even seem to notice when I "unfriended" her on Facebook.

People make the mistake of thinking that weight-loss surgery is the EASY way out.  It is NOT easy.  It's difficult and scary and physically demanding.  Losing 145 pounds was one of the best things that ever happened to me...but it's not without collateral damage.  Still, as I stroke my collarbones, I regret nothing...