Love and Loss

Last Saturday, I lost someone who was at one time very important to me.  He died very unexpectedly from a heart attack.  Phil was THE guy in high school.  I was sure I loved him.  I bought him Brut cologne for his birthday (December 4), and he came to see me in the hospital when I had knee surgery our senior year of high school.  He was cute and funny.  He played basketball for CYO (Catholic Youth Organization), and I saw him play often.  (He wore #33.)  We often stood at our lockers and talked until we were late for class, but when it came time for prom, he took someone else.  (A someone else who turned out to be his ex-wife...)

I hadn't seen him in years--although I saw him and his son at Red Lobster last summer before I moved back to NC.  I didn't say anything to him that day because I wasn't entirely sure it was him-- he and I made eye contact, but inasmuch as I look much different than the last time he saw me, I don't think he was sure it was me, either.  But by the photograph that accompanied his obituary, I know now it definitely WAS him.  I wish I had spoken to him that day.  Sigh...

I learned of his sudden passing on a page on Facebook for my (can you believe it?) 40th high school reunion. Ironically, his son is married to a former student, and he and she had their first child (and Phil's first grandchild) on the day he died.  I was so shocked to learn of his death that I felt it had to be a mistake...until I confirmed it by reading the obit.  It just doesn't seem possible.  Even now, more than a week later, I'm still stunned and so very sad.

Phil is the third man from my past to have died.  Bill died several years ago--he was someone I had dated in my 20s who revisited me in my 40s. He had cancer, and his passing was a blessing as he suffered greatly. William passed away unexpectedly from a blood clot following spinal surgery.  I truly loved all these men but William was the only one with whom I had current contact.  I met William on AOL in 1998.  He and I had a complicated relationship--but I loved him, and I know he loved me.  He and I spoke every couple weeks; the attraction between us was still strong; in fact, the weekend before his surgery, he propositioned me, and laughing, I turned him down.  I wish I hadn't.  I wish we had met once last time...I wish we had made love one last time...I miss him so much.  I discovered on my iPhone that deleted phone messages are never truly deleted--and I was able to restore them.  I listen to them now and then when I'm missing him the most.

I'm hurting so much tonight...not just for Phil--we hadn't seen each other in years and probably had nothing in common--but for Bill and for William and for all the possibilities that just aren't anymore.  I know that people quote Tennyson, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all", but as I sit here alone and heartbroken, I'm not so sure...

Chemistry 101

As an English teacher, most other subjects baffle me.  (Although I'm doing really well in Trivia Crack except in the Sports category, but that's another story for another time...)  Math has NEVER been an area of strength, and chemistry?  Well, let's just say I got an "A" in Prep Chem because I met with the prof every day for extra help--and ultimately, I think he felt sorry for me!  But I'm not talking about THAT kind of chemistry--I'm talking about the chemical reaction between people.  What causes that "spark"?  And why does it exist between some people and not others?

I ended things with Dee.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  You must think I'm as fickle as Romeo.  But the truth is, there was no spark.  He was nice.  He was good looking.  He was even a good kisser. But conversations with him were dull--it was like watching golf on television.  Ugh. I know you've had the same experience--you have met someone, whether of the same or opposite gender--and you've either immediately LIKED that person or "meh".  There are some connections that cannot be explained.  You just "click".  When you meet these people, you know they are going to be in your life for a while--for whatever the reason.

I have female friends like this.  We have clicked, and because of that click, we can go weeks, months, years without actually being in each other's presence and still pick things up like it was yesterday that we last sat together.  I have male friends like this as well.  These people are comfortable.  They relax us yet stimulate us.  They make us think.  They challenge us and support us and make us feel that, at least on SOME level, we are loved and valued.

The oddest aspect of these relationships is that we may appear to have NOTHING in common.  I'm divorced.  Some of my best friends have been married forever.  I'm a cat and dog person; my friends are usually not cat people.  I have an advanced college education; it doesn't matter if my friends do or do not.  I don't have children; nearly ALL of my friends do.  I'm in my 50s; some of my friends are in their 20s!

I cannot explain chemistry.  I won't pretend that I can.  I WILL tell you, however, that chemistry has me seeing a man who is TOTALLY not my type.  He works in a blue-collar job, has a limited education and cannot spell his way out of a paper bag.  Yet it works.  He makes me laugh.  He makes me think.  He makes me giggle and feel young and silly.  He PICKED ME UP.  (Keep in mind, as someone who weighed over 200 lbs for nearly ALL of her adult life, this is MONUMENTAL.)  I really, really like this man.  I may be falling in love with him...time will tell.  All I know is that he's in my life...for a while.  Yeah, chemistry! Go figure!