Thankful

I am thankful.  Not just because Thursday was Thanksgiving, but always.  I'm thankful for my health, because this surgery saved my life...gave me incredible energy and added years to my life.  Today,  I took my dog, Jack, for a walk around the lake in Rocky Mount.  The trip around the lake is 1/2 mile, and I could've done a second time around except that I was a little cold (it was 47 degrees--I should've had mittens on), and Jack definitely wasn't up for a second trip!  He managed to stop at every tree, bush and post around the lake, though!

I'm thankful for my messy little house, which is less messy since I used a good chunk of my days off to clean. 

I'm thankful for Jack, the little rescue dog (half Corgi, half...Pomeranian, maybe?), and the cats, two of which are curled up with me.  (Oscar Wilde is literally on my lap between my belly and the laptop--I swear he wasn't a lapcat until I lost the weight--now there's more room for him).

I'm thankful for my family, even though I missed my mom SO much this Thanksgiving.  At least I still have her, and I know that I'll see her for Christmas.  

I'm thankful for friends, old and new.  New friends like Adria, who invited me to her parents' house for dinner Thanksgiving.  Old friends like T, on whom I went to the movies today, and Mary Caroline, whose mother is in the hospital and who needs prayers.

I'm thankful for good movies, like the one I saw today.  "Life of Pi" was terrific, and I heartily recommend it.  It is haunting and visually stunning, and it's also easily the BEST book-to-film adaptation I have ever seen.

And I'm thankful for YOU.  It's been quite the journey--and even though I don't write every day, I'm still taking this trip every day.  I have forgotten once or twice to slow down when I eat, and I've been sick as a result.  I've cooked too much for one person, and I've found myself throwing food away because I can't deal with leftovers after a day or so.  While my weight loss has stabilized at minus 127 pounds, I'm happy with where I am.  In tops, I wear anything from a medium to an extra-large, depending on the manufacturer, although mostly size large.  In pants, a size 14 is about right, although I have two pair of knit pants for school that are 8/10s.  I am happy with who I am and, for the first time in my life, how I look.

And I guess I'm pretty thankful for THAT, too.

Roller Coasters, Here I Come!

By the time you read this, I'll be at least on my WAY to Carowinds--if not already there, screaming my head off on a roller coaster!  I am so excited.  This day was a year in the making!  A year ago today, I went under the knife and had life-changing surgery.  It's been an amazing year of ups and downs.  Ups and downs in my personal and professional lives...and downs on the scale!

I've been through so much in the last 365 days.  I survived a hurricane, although I didn't think I would.  (Twenty-five trees fell on my property--and I swear I had PTSD as a result of living through that horror.  I was lucky enough that the only damage my cottage sustained was a tree falling on the wires to my electrical meter, which ripped the meter off the house, but the other falling trees missed the house--by less than a foot on three sides of the house--but missed it at least!)  I ended my engagement on that day, too.  He was supposed to come from Wilmington so that I wouldn't be alone, but he didn't.  Instead, he put on Facebook that he was worried about me, while NEVER calling to see if I was all right.  (Remember: this is the same guy who said he wasn't sure he could be attracted to me if I lost the weight...)  I broke up with him that evening, once the danger had passed. 

I bought a new (to me) car that reflects my personality and new body better than the old one did.  It's a bright blue 2010 Toyota Corolla--cute and economical.  I rejoined the Y and found that I don't float like I used to.  I flew home for a long weekend and made my mom happy when she saw how much weight I'd lost. I met Whit and had a pretty serious relationship with him--we dated for four months, but I ended that, too.  I went to Washington, DC with the senior class and walked all over the city--a trip I had been excluded from in previous years because I just wasn't in shape to do all the walking.  

I lost my job.  It was incredibly devastating, but I've survived--and maybe even benefited.  I have a new job with better hours, better technology and better benefits.  I feel appreciated by my administrators and coworkers already!  I met Kevin and revisited my love of trivia!  I reconnected with countless friends thanks to Facebook.  Oh, and I lost ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-THREE POUNDS!  123 pounds!  That's an adult woman!  Incredible to me!

Well, it's been a year of amazing ups and downs--and I'm spending my day pursuing ups and down on the 13 roller coasters at Carowinds. Mine will be SCREAMING, but I wish for you a serene Sunday!  Thanks for reading...the second best thing to come out of this year?  YOU as my readers!

Working Girl!

I got a job!  Actually, I got THREE of them!  Too funny--I had THREE job offers yesterday.  I had an interview yesterday morning--the school had actually called my friend Virginia who already HAS a job, so she gave them my name.  Within two and a half hours, they called me and offered the job!  Two hours later, the school where I interviewed on Tuesday called to offer me a position, and an hour after that, the school where I interviewed on Monday called!

I accepted the first offer--and at first, I was taken aback by the second and third offers.  However, I thought about it, prayed on it, and I feel pretty secure in my choice.  I instantly liked the English department chair and think we'll become fast friends.  This school is about 40 minutes away, and I'll definitely commute for the first few months.  I may look for another place to live, but having pets can make that search a difficult one, so we'll see.

I went out to lunch with Dorothy and her grandchildren--and she treated to celebrate my new job.  We went to Ichiban, which is a Japanese grill.  I had the teriyaki chicken with extra carrots rather than rice, which is just too filling!  I've had to show my card there in order to get the extra carrots--and the last time I was there, I had to show my ID along with the card! And of course, I only ate about half my lunch--the rest is in the refrigerator for lunch today!

I was supposed to see my doctor for my annual post-surgical check, but I had to cancel because I wasn't feeling well.  (I don't think it was lunch but it may have been the cherries I ate Wednesday night--they were delicious but fresh fruit sometimes gets me!)  I've rescheduled for Tuesday, so we'll have an "official" total for how much I've lost in a year!  I think it's around 122 pounds!

Have a fantastic Friday!!  Now that I have a job, I can actually begin to enjoy my summer vacation!

What a Great Trip!

Greetings from New York!  I have had a great time up here, but I'm leaving tomorrow.  This has been a short, but sensational trip filled with family, old friends (like Thao, Sue R. & Sue I.) and new friends (like Tina).  I've loved being here, but I've missed Kevin as well!  I had planned on returning tomorrow because there's a big teachers' job fair in Durham on Thursday, but then I also received an email yesterday from one of the schools to which I sent resumes last week!  And I have an interview there on Thursday as well.

I have to confess--I know that I'm a really good teacher, but interviewing as an average-sized person is a LOT less intimidating than interviewing as a fat woman was!  Rather than worrying about how I look, I can be myself!  I'm excited about this new adventure, to tell the truth!  I have heard from one of my colleagues in the elementary school who was also laid off, and she, too, has an interview on Thursday!  I told her last week that the next time we had lunch, it would be to celebrate, and that certainly seems to be coming true!

Have a great day, and say a little prayer (or wish me luck, however you ask for intervention!) that I have a safe trip home and a great interview on Thursday!  And thanks, as always, for sticking with me.  It means so very much!

The Top 10 Reasons to Have Gastric Bypass Surgery

10.  It improves your sex life.Exponentially.  In part, I'm sure it has to do with more self-confidence, but it's also different body strength, more flexibility and less flab in the way!

 9.  You feel better physically. This surgery has been proven to cure diabetes and hypertension. By losing the weight, your joints will feel much better.  You'll sleep better, too--AND require less sleep!

 8.  You add years to your life by losing the weight. With less weight comes less risk of heart disease, which is the number one killer of women (and a lot of men, too!)  Walking around 100 pounds lighter can not only improve your length of life, but the quality as well!

 7.  Clothes are suddenly fun to buy.I've already written about this.  I no longer shop looking for things that FIT but instead for things that FLATTER!

 6.  You don't need to worry about fitting into tight seats. Before the surgery, airplane and theatre seats were especially scary.  I always wondered if I was going to fit.  No more anxiety about that!

 5.  You can have a tight seat. Yeah...this doesn't need explaining!

 4.  Your confidence and self-esteem will soar. When you feel better, it shines through! And compliments! They are worth their WEIGHT in gold!

 3.  You'll have a lot of energy now that you're not carrying around an additional person. Imagine how much exertion it takes to carry around a 20 or 25 pound bag of pet food.  And then multiply that by...4?  5?  6 or more?

2.   You'll save money on groceries and at restaurants! In the surgeons' patient guide, they tell patients that since they're limited to quantity, they should buy the very best.  It's easy to do that when you eat so little!  Additionally, I very often order kids' meals or share with a friend, so I'm definitely saving money there as well.

And the NUMBER 1 reason to have gastric bypass:

1.  It improves your sex life. (I know I already mentioned that, but it's a good one! A REALLY good one!)

Have a FABULOUS Friday, everyone!!

This...is...Jeopardy!

Ever since I was very young, I've fantasized about going on Jeopardy!  I love trivia and have the ability to know things I shouldn't know!  (Maybe I'm just a good guesser!)  Last night, I took the Jeopardy online test for potential contestants.

The test definitely is not easy.  There are fifty questions.  For each question, you have fifteen seconds--yes, fifteen SECONDS--to type in the answer before the next question comes up.  The categories are similar to those on the show, including "Before and After" and "Rhyme Time".  I've taken the test in previous years and felt disappointed.  Last night, I felt victorious!

 Of the fifty questions, I probably knew the answers to forty.  Maybe thirty-eight.  I guessed at several, and I ran out of time for three.  Jeopardy doesn't let you know how you do on the test--I'm guessing that they take a certain percentage of the highest scoring in the country, but you never find out your score.  

Several years ago, I auditioned for Who Wants to Be a Millionaire when Meredith Viera was taking the show over from Regis Philbin.  The show's scouting crew came to the local mall, and I, along with about five hundred other people, took their screening test.  They put us in groups of 75, and I'm sure they took the top ten percent, because there were seven of us who "passed" the test.  It was brutal, but I passed!  Unlike the Jeopardy test, it was multiple choice, like the format of the game.  I was thrilled to pass--I knew a few people in my testing group and only one of them made the cut, but neither he nor I made it to the show.

I've always wondered if the reason I didn't make it to the show was because I was fat.  Let's face it, America is very discriminatory, and "fat discrimination" is one of the last legally permitted discriminations.  It'll be interesting to see how I did on the test, and if I did pass, if I'll make it to a live audition.  If I do, you'll be one of the first to know!

One thing this weight loss has afforded me is the belief that anything can happen.  I'm no longer afraid of my dreams, but pursuing them with vigor. Earlier this week, a friend from high school posted on my Facebook wall, "It's never too late to have a happy childhood."  I think he's right!

Have a thankful, thoughtful Thursday!

It's Complimentary!

I received plenty of really positive feedback about the haircut at school yesterday.  Even my boys said nice things about it!  (Except for one who said I look like a troll, but I guess you can't make everyone happy! lol!)

I've never been one to accept compliments graciously.  I always would "explain" or try to "rationalize".  "Oh, this shirt?  Thanks, but I got it at Walmart."  Or "Smart?  Well, I guess it's just that I have a good memory..." If someone complimented me, I always managed to "discount" the compliment by the time I was done.  "Oh, well, thanks, but it's really nothing..." I think you get the idea.

Why haven't I been able to accept compliments?  Why not just say "thank you" and move on?  Why have I felt the need to "explain" or use humor to "deflate" the compliment?  Low self-esteem.  I think that, at least in part, it comes from spending so much of my life overweight.  I never felt deserving of compliments, even though I knew--at least on some level--that people don't offer compliments freely, that I must've been doing something "right" to have received the compliment in the first place.

I've made a conscious effort to change all that.  Now when people compliment me, my hair, my clothing, my weight loss, I try to stop at "thank you".  There's no need to qualify or rationalize or explain away.  "Thank you" is all that's required when someone says something complimentary.  Try it.  Just say "thank you."  Not "Oh, this old thing?"  Or "I just got lucky..." or any other dismissive comment. Think of it--you're actually insulting both yourself and the person offering the compliment when you try to "qualify" it.

We all have something wonderful to offer; we are all smart, attractive, special. We should accept that graciously.  (That's your cue--say "thank you", and have a fantastic Friday!)

And the Oscar/Tony/Emmy Goes to...

In college, I took several theatre classes.  I love performing and the performing arts in general.  I teach drama, have acted in community theatre productions, and when I was younger, I watched all the awards shows on television and fantasized about winning either an Oscar, Tony or Emmy.  When I dreamed about winning when I was really young, it was as a performer, but as I got older--and fatter--my dream switched to winning not as an actress but as a writer.  And who knows?  That still could happen, although I would have to start writing screenplays rather than novels...

In order to be eligible to win any award, one must be in the competition, right?  I'm never going to win an Oscar for a great movie unless I actually write one.  I couldn't win a Tony unless I was in a play on Broadway or an Emmy unless I was on television.  Well, the same is true in our lives.  We're never going to win unless we get in on the competition.

William Shakespeare (oh, how I love him) said "All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players."  Are you a player in your own life?  Or are you sitting in the audience watching the action from the comfy, but limited, front row.  Or are you standing in the wings, waiting for...waiting for...well, waiting for what exactly?  Waiting to lose ten pounds?  Waiting for your kids to graduate high school?  For your partner to achieve his or her dream?  Seriously, waiting for what?  You do not win an acting award if you aren't on stage, folks!  You can call yourself an actor if you're standing in the wings, but at the end of the show, the flowers are presented to the actual performers, not to those standing by in case the lead actor can't go on.  And those people in the audience?  All they have to show for their time is a playbill and a ticket stub. 

So, it's time to decide.  Are you in the audience? In the wings?  Or on the stage?  When all is said and done, are you in the competition?  Because you can't win an Oscar sitting at home!  Have a terrific Tuesday, and thanks for reading!

New Year's Eve...

No--I'm not in a hurry for the end of the year; I saw the movie "New Year's Eve" yesterday.  And in it, Hilary Swank's character describes New Year's Eve as a time to reflect, to have hope, to take chances.  I liked the movie, but my question is this: why New Year's Eve?  Why not every day?

Why wait until December 31st?  I think we should reflect every day.  I think we should have hope every day.  I think we should take chances--within reason, of course--every day.

If I didn't feel this way, I don't know if I'd be a very good teacher.  A good teacher reflects all the time on the lessons, the students' performances, what worked and what didn't.  If I didn't feel this way I probably wouldn't have had the surgery, so you wouldn't be reading this right now!

So a short post today, telling you to pretend every day is New Year's Eve.  Every day, you should make--and follow through--with new resolutions.  Every day, you should reflect on your life, on your choices, on your desires.  Every day, you should take chances--especially if those chances lead you to your heart's desire!

Have a significant Sunday!

Change For the Better!!

I ended yesterday's post with the advice that if you have 100 or more pounds to lose that you should have this surgery.  And I really meant it...but I wanted to expand that to say that if you have ANYTHING about yourself that you want to change, change it.  Do whatever you can to change it!

I was listening to Lady Gaga's song "Born This Way" today on my way to Greenville.  I love Lady Gaga, although I wasn't always a fan.  Her costumes and theatricality originally put me off, but when I started listening to her--to her music and to her message, I "got" it.   She is a real advocate for self-love and self-esteem and wants people to love themselves for who they ARE.  And I agree--we should love ourselves for who we are.  However, if there are things you don't like about yourself, you should work to change them.  I used to delude myself--hell, I LIED to myself.  I was so good at it, I convinced myself that it was okay to be obese--that people should have liked me for myself, not my size.  And while that IS true, it was ridiculous of me to want OTHER people to like me for myself when I didn't.  I have hated being fat my entire life.  I hate it even now, although I can reconcile that hate with the fact that I've done something about it.

Tonight I pulled some clothing out of the closet that I never use. (My television is in front of the closet door, so I only use one half of it...)  I found a lovely silk blouse that I was never able to wear because it didn't fit.  (Remember, I hate returning things--I always kept them because I was too embarrassed to return them to the store and say "This didn't fit".)  Anyway, the blouse is a little loose now, but I'm planning on wearing it later today--silk should "flow" anyway. 

Saturday afternoon, I went to lunch at Logan's and had steak!  Beef is especially hard to digest, but I was able to eat half the steak without any problems.  In fact, after lunch, I came home, got the dog and took him for a walk around City Lake, which is about a half mile.  A half mile might not seem like much to you, but considering that I was using an electric "scooter" a year ago, it's phenomenal to me!  I hurt a bit afterward, but the fact is, I did it!

It's Sunday.  Thank your higher power, no matter who He or She might be.  I'm just glad to be living lighter these days--and glad for the chance to share my life with YOU!

Sense of Self...

Who identifies your sense of self?  I know--you're saying, "huh?"  If I asked you to describe yourself, could you do so?  Would the words be positive?  Would they be YOURS?  I think that sometimes our sense of self is dictated to us by people in our lives rather than by ourselves.

Many years ago, I read the book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray.  In this book, (which I highly recommend, by the way) Dr. Gray describes men as being work focused while women are relationship focused.  In other words, a man's self-esteem is based on his success at work while a woman's self-esteem depends on her success in relationships.  I think that while this is completely accurate, it also hurts women because they then become dependent on the opinions of those around them.  

We all want to be liked--hell, we all want to be loved.  But how can we expect other people to like us or love us when we don't like and love ourselves?  Think about it.  When we love ourselves, we have a commodity--a product, if you will--that we want to share with others.  Would you buy a car from someone who couldn't convince you of the great qualities of that car?  How successful would salespeople be if they didn't believe in their products?
  

You have to love yourself--and that begins with knowing yourself.  I'm not perfect--no one is.  But I do have some great qualities--I'm a great writer.  I am a good friend.  I have a giving heart that will keep me poor financially but that makes me a wonderful person.  I'm smart.  I have beautiful eyes.  And I'm bright enough not to continue to bore you with this list!  Still, I can create that list--can you?  A homework assignment for you: create a list of all of your positive qualities.  Seriously.  Do it.  Get out a pen and a piece of paper and write your list.  

A word of warning: you will feel a little silly doing this.  You will.  And maybe embarrassed.  And that's okay.  Do it anyway.  Do NOT write a list of negative qualities you have--we have enough people in our lives doing that already!  Create this list and read it.  I mean read it.  Really read it.  Read it aloud.  Our brain processes things differently when we read aloud, so read it aloud.  And read it again tomorrow.  And the next day.  And every day until you can do so without feeling silly.  Without being embarrassed.  And when you know that it's true.

And remember this above all.  Life is hard for everyone.  People are struggling to make sense of the highs and lows of life, and when they do, they make mistakes, mistakes that often hurt us.  Look at the intent behind it when someone hurts you.  If they are intentionally cruel, cut those people out of your life.  If they aren't intentionally cruel, forgive them.  And then add "forgiving" to your list!

Hitting Bottom

I'm sure you've heard that an addict has to "hit bottom" before he or she is ready to seek out help.  But when is enough enough?  And why is one person's "bottom" different than another's?  Last night, I stopped at Walmart,where I saw a man who had to have weighed 600 pounds or more.  He was in a wheelchair--I'm sure he couldn't walk on his own--and he was truly as wide as the aisle at the cash register.

I wondered what happened to this man to make him self-destruct in this manner.  I also wondered what it was that stopped me where I stopped rather than continuing to that size or larger.

I can promise you that the man in the wheelchair would have preferred to have been ambulatory.  I'm sure that he would rather be independent and able to take care of himself.  Instead, he was in the chair, covered with a blanket--I'm sure he couldn't find a jacket to fit him.  I don't know what he was wearing as I didn't want to stare, but I will tell you that my heart went out to him.  I wanted to stop and tell him that there are options.  That this surgery is my personal miracle and that it could be his, too.  I wanted to tell him that life can be better, that it takes some work but that it's so very worth it.  I wanted to share that with him, but I didn't know how.  I didn't want to embarrass him.  I didn't want him to feel any more humiliated than he probably already does dependent on someone to push his wheelchair, to get his items from the top shelf, to help him in and out of the chair and into the car and from the car into the house.

But maybe somehow he'll see this.  Maybe someone will read it and recommend it to him.  Perhaps a friend of a friend of a friend will read it...and maybe, just maybe my experience can help save his life. Please, my dear readers, if you know someone who is hurting, who needs this surgery, refer him or her to the blog.  Don't push--he or she needs to reach his or her personal "bottom", but maybe hearing my story will help!

Thankful

Of course since it's Thanksgiving, I'm going to write about being thankful!  And I am thankful for so very much.

I am thankful for so very much.  I am thankful for my health, which is getting better every day.  I'm so grateful that I had this surgery before I developed heart disease or diabetes.  I'm thankful for the support of my mom, my brother Kriss and so many of my friends. I'm super thankful that I still have my mom! I'm grateful for my job, even though the kids drive me crazy sometimes.  I'm so very thankful for my past students who have stayed in touch, who have worked hard in college and are becoming wonderful adults. I'm thankful that I have a safe place to live, a car that gets me where I need to go and sufficient money to buy what I need (and even what I want sometimes!!)

I'm thankful for my ability to write...and I'm especially thankful for you, my readers.  It means a lot that you're here, sharing my life.  Today--and everyday--I give thanks for YOU!