The Answer Is....RED PANTS!

The question: What did I wear to school today?  Yes.  Red skinny leg pants.  Me.  In red pants.  I don't think I've worn any color but black, brown or navy since I was in FOURTH grade!  A very large person just doesn't look good in red pants!!  

I was in New York last week on spring break.  My mom and I did a lot of shopping, and I found some tremendous bargains, including a gorgeous turquoise cable knit cardigan, originally priced at $40 for $3.99!!  I bought the red pants, a pair of dark teal jeans with zippered ankles and a great pair of black jeans with "blinged out" pockets for $14.50 each.  Their original price? $58 at Macy's!  Macy's sales are incredible.

I also found an amazing pair of jeans (straight with this blue-on-blue floral design) marked down from $44 to $7.05!  And they're a size 12.  TWELVE!!! OMG...I think I wore a 13-15 when I made my confirmation in 7th grade!!!

This ride is not a smooth one...I don't know from one day to the next when I may eat one bite too much and risk vomiting.  I'm getting better at stopping, but food is delicious, dammit.  It's sometimes hard to stop, but I'm learning.  Sometimes the hard way, but I'm learning.  It's hard to get my head wrapped around all of this, and sometimes I feel I still weigh 300+ lbs.  I look at my OWN clothing and think, "No way is that small pair of jeans going to fit me..." Because of the surgery, I can't take ANY anti-inflammatory medications, like Aleve and Motrin.  My knees, which are, according to my new orthopedist Dr. Smith, at least 75 years old (I'm 55!) with their worn, arthritic appearance, hurt like hell sometimes.  I had two cortisone injections today, which SHOULD buy me a few months of less pain.  Don't get me wrong--my knees feel SO much better today than they did 120+ pounds ago, but I've been without cartilage in my left knee since I was 17.  Imagine walking bone-on-bone all that time! An oral NSAID would help, but since I can't take them, I had to opt for steroids.

No...this isn't easy at all.  But I have to tell you...as I look at that picture from the day before surgery...I wouldn't have it any other way!

Oh and by the way, I've been in two other community theatre productions in the area in the 10 years I've living in North Carolina, but the play I'm rehearsing now is going to be the best!  It started as "Dracula"...and without revealing a lot of sordid details, we're now doing Neil Simon's "The Odd Couple."  I play Gwendolyn Pigeon, one of two women in the play.  The women in the play are described as being in their early thirties (!), cute and very English.  In "Dracula", I was a Gypsy woman.  I probably would've gotten the part as the Gypsy woman 120+ pounds ago, but I certainly wouldn't have been right for Gwendolyn Pigeon!  It's rather exciting to think of that!  (BTW, if you're local, the play is at Edgecombe Community College 4/24 (free preview) thru 4/27, all shows at 8:00pm and 4/28 at 2:00pm.  Come out and LAUGH!

Same Book, Different Chapter

I've come to realize that I haven't really changed...the book is the same, but the chapter is new! I had a terrific weekend.  Shannon and I went to the Carolina Tiger Rescue on Saturday morning, and then we saw "Peter Pan" Saturday night.  Carolina Tiger Rescue was amazing...and I wouldn't have been able to do that a year ago!

The rescue center is in Pittsboro, which is outside of Raleigh--about 90 minutes from my house.  It's on several acres of land, and the tour involved walking up and down hills, on gravel and grass and unpaved roads.  I took the course easily, never needing to stop and sit (there were some benches available, and a few people on our tour took full advantage).  Instead, I took the hike easily, never getting out of breath or really experiencing pain!  No pain?  Upon exertion?  What a novel idea! (Forgive the pun!) 

Shannon had a great time--and I took some terrific photos!  The rescue's main mission is education, and we really did learn a lot while having fun!  Then Saturday night, we went to the theatre.  It was so refreshing sitting in the theatre seat in complete comfort, and for the first time, maybe ever, I didn't even worry about being uncomfortable in the armed chair.  There was a large woman in front of me who spilled over into the seats around her, and my heart went out to her.  I know only too well how that feels. 

Instead of being uncomfortable in the theatre seat, I was able to focus on Shannon and her enjoyment of the play.  She's always been a great fan of Tinkerbell, and when Tink showed up in the play--a ball of light and tinkling sound--Shannon's reaction was breathtaking.  I wouldn't have missed it for the world!  I literally cried! 

My life is really different these days.  Dating two or three different guys at a time, walking, belonging to a gym--Oh, yeah, I joined Planet Fitness.  I work out 4-6 times per week.  Wild, huh?  I'm the same person, but I've definitely entered a new chapter in my life.  I like this chapter...and I want to live it for a long, long time!

Judge Much???

I have always prided myself on not judging people. I don't judge based on race or religion, but this afternoon I found myself judging two different women on something that may surprise you--their weight!

I know--ME?  Judging them after I weighed more than 300 pounds?  Where do I get off?  Truth is, I asked myself that question, and then really truly scolded myself for even thinking what I thought.  But truth is, I did think it.  Both women in question were easily 400+ and both were using the "scooters" at Sam's Club.

My thought: "You wouldn't need that scooter if you lost some weight."  And it's true--they PROBABLY wouldn't...after all, I used to use those same scooters to get around Sam's.  But they also may have had some debilitating disease, which I couldn't possibly know by looking so where do I get off judging?

Truth is, I felt terrible about even thinking it--which is why I'm sitting here less than 30 minutes later, writing a "confession" of sorts.  I also know that people thought the very same thing about ME when I was scooting around the store--and of course, they were right.  I'm living proof of that.  Still, I had no right to think that of these women--because if it weren't for the surgery, I'd have been riding along side them.

Think about it.  When's the last time you saw a large person and thought, "Why doesn't he/she do something about..."  Did you chastise yourself?  You should have.  After all..."judge not lest ye be judged."

Phew...I feel better now.  It's FRIDAY!  Have a great weekend!

Dating Disasters...and Other Stories

First, let me apologize for not writing much recently.  School and dating are kicking my ass!  As it is, I should be grading papers and posting grades because progress reports are due on Tuesday.

But I had to take a few minutes to catch you up on the nightmare that is my life. 

First, last weekend, I was able to spend the entire weekend with Shannon.  It was so much fun--the kid is just so funny, and we had a great time.  We saw an awesome movie at the IMAX in Raleigh on the migration of monarch butterflies.  I loved it, and so did Shannon.  On Sunday, I took her back home...we actually met her great grandmother half way between here and Wilmington.

I've been talking to a man I met on Match.com, and he lives near Wilmington, so I suggested that we meet after I dropped off Shannon.  The meeting was okay--he has some bizarre facial hair I wasn't crazy about, but I was willing to give him a chance.  He called me about 15 minutes after I got home to let me know he got home okay, which was nice.  I started a load of laundry, and when I came back into my bedroom, I had a voicemail from him.  The message? "Roberta, it's me.  Gimme a call."  Yeah.  Roberta!  I called him and said, "you just left a message for Roberta on my phone."  He asked, "Who's this?"  Yep.  Needless to say, I hung up the phone and haven't returned his texts or calls.

Then I met a man online on Monday night, and we ended up going out on Tuesday!  Would've been great, except I picked a bad movie.  (Who knew Jason Statham could make a bad movie!!)  I chose to see "Parker" which was just awful.  I love Jason Statham, but this was NOT one of his best.  Then I recommended Cheddar's in Greenville for dinner--and it wasn't good either!  He's a nice man, though, and still wants to see me again, even though I made two bad choices that night!

And the icing on the proverbial dating cake came on Friday night.  I went out with Rick.  He suggested dinner at Outback.  I was excited about this date for some reason--and even a little nervous.  I came home from school,showered and washed my hair and got ready.  I met him at the restaurant at 7.  I hadn't eaten much all day, and I was nervous.   I made the biggest mistake--and ate a little piece of Outback's dark bread.  And sipped some water.  When my dinner arrived (way too much food for me, anyway), I ate a slice of the pork tenderloin and began to feel ill.  Those of you who are squeamish, stop reading now.

Last month, Al Roker caught a lot of negative attention when he admitted to "pooping his pants" at the White House.  He said that he admitted this because there are side effects to gastric bypass and wants people to be aware.  Well,here's a side effect to be aware of: I thought I was going to cough--and promptly vomited. 

Yep.  Vomited.  Into my napkin at the table with Rick sitting across from me.  Fortunately (?!), it was mostly water and mucus.  I didn't actually vomit food until I got to the ladies' room.  As I was dying in the ladies' room, I thought about sneaking out of the restaurant and texting him from the parking lot to let him know I had left.  Except that I had left my phone on the table.  A former colleague from Prep, Martha, came into the ladies' room, and I told her what I had done.  She asked, "Oh, no. Do you like him at least?"  I asked, "Does it matter?"

So I washed my face and slunk back to the table where Rick was sitting expectantly.  I honestly thought he'd have sneaked out of the restaurant...and I would not have blamed him!!  Instead, he wants to see me again!

I hate dating.  I do.  But I guess I need to get used to it...the new me is attractive and is attracting attention.  Let's just hope I don't barf again anytime soon...

 

Size Apparently IS Everything...

When I was in New York last month, I bought several new tops, including two new cardigans.  One was kelly green (I look great in green--makes my eyes greener and my hair redder) and the other was black.  The black one is a size "large" while the green one is a "medium" because they didn't have any large, so I tried on the green one and it fit fine.

Today, I thought I'd wear the black one to school.  It's too small.  It's a size larger than the green one that FIT.  How weird is that?  Sizes are so strange.  I guess it depends on the manufacturer, but it strikes me as so weird that two sweaters by the SAME manufacturer would vary so much in size.  Maybe that's why they were on sale--just $7.99 marked down from $58...But the lesson here is TRY things ON!!

I've never been one to try things on in stores, but I'm going to start!  I used to dress to hide, now I need to dress to flatter...so the dressing room is where it'll all begin!!

And let me say this...my blog is NOT a place for "conversations", but if you'd like to leave a comment, please do.  I just ask that you don't leave an ANONYMOUS comment, as that seems pretty cowardly to me. (And because this is MY blog, I reserve the right to delete any comment I deem inappropriate). And if you want to have a "conversation", I'm on Facebook.  Friend me! RRRhonda9.

Have a great day, everyone!  (It's almost the weekend...and it's a LONG one!!)

Get Your Nose Out of MY Business!!

When I started this blog in August 2011, I did so for two reasons: 1) to help myself through the process and 2) to help others who might have similar issues or who might be considering bariatric surgery for weight loss.  

I did NOT intend this blog to be a window into my life for my exes and their ridiculously nosy friends.  However, it seems that it's become that.

James has a so-called "Christian" friend named Angie.  Angie apparently has made it her mission to keep him apprised of all that's going on in my life--and it seems she couldn't wait to tell James and his current girlfriend, Jo, about my decision to move back to NY to be with my mom.

I'm sick--I have a sinus infection and really need to get some sleep, but I can't go to sleep without addressing this issue, so here goes:

Angie, mind your own DAMNED business.  I mean it.  Stop reading my blog.  It was never intended as a source of your gossip.  And "Christians" like you are why I stopped going to church.  You are small minded, judgmental and petty.  What's going on in MY life is MY business.  Not yours.  Nor is it James'.  He lost any right to know what's going on with me when he decided he couldn't be attracted to me when I lost the weight and when he left me alone during a freaking hurricane, not calling to check on me, but posting on Facebook how "worried" he was about me.

I would hate to stop writing this blog, because I know that it's helped other people.  It's helped ME. But if Angie cannot stop gossiping about MY life, I'm going to have to do just that.  In the meantime, Angie, if you're reading this (and I'm sure you ARE), tell James I said that this blog is no longer a source of entertainment for EITHER of you.  I'm sorry that your lives are so prosaic that you have nothing better to do, but I refuse to be a source of entertainment for either of you.  Angie, go to church and pray for forgiveness...and tell James he STILL owes me money for the laptop I bought him for his birthday. (Cheapskate that HE is, I always paid whenever and wherever we went--tickets to see "Wicked" on Broadway, tickets to Medieval Times, the movies, dinner, etc, etc, etc...)

 

Family Ties

In many ways, my life has changed dramatically over the past year and a half.  Losing 127 pounds can really alter a person, and I don't mean just physically.  

I am not the same person I was the morning of August 5, 2011 as the medical personnel at Rex Hospital wheeled me into surgery.  I am different--and I'm glad I'm different.  I think I'm constantly changing, evolving, embracing the change that keeps coming my way.

I don't know if it's the new year or the decision to move back to New York, but for some reason, I've been waxing nostalgic lately.  I have been thinking about relationships and how they change.  I have a few classmates from high school who married right out of high school--and are still married after 35+ years! I'm not sure how they've done it.  I am nowhere near the same person I was in high school.  I would hope that you aren't either!  So how do people do it?  I reflect on my marriage which lasted just 8 years, and I know he and I definitely wouldn't be together today, even if he had changed dramatically.

I have a friend who's been a friend since 4th grade.  Fourth grade!  We don't see each other often--maybe just once a year (although I hope that will change now that I'm moving north) but even at that infrequency, I know that she's someone on whom I can count--and I would do anything for her.  I have other friends that have stayed friends for 20+ years, while others have popped in and out of my life without leaving so much as a forwarding address.  Why do people come and go?  Are they there for a little while to teach us something?  For us to teach them?  I remember Pat, Michelle, Michele and Nancy, Nancy and Judy.  And Ginny.  They were there--and now they aren't.  I haven't heard from these women in 30 years...and yet I thought at the time that we were close!  And I guess we were.  I shouldn't dismiss the friendship because the years have separated us.  We were there for each other when we needed each other--and I guess that's all that matters.

In my life, friends have come and go.  But family?  Family is there for you no matter what.  Remembering that makes going back to New York an easy decision.  My mom needs me now, and I need her.  Friends my age are losing their parents.  Parents are falling and getting injured or having strokes.  Parents are going into nursing homes or hospitals or rehab centers.  Parents are becoming the children as the roles of caregiver/care "taker" are reversed.  I am grateful that my mother is in pretty good health right now.  But at nearly 82, I'm not going to take that for granted.  I don't think anyone should!

If you're lucky enough to have your parents, hug them.  Tell them you love them.  Spend the day with them.  Take time out of your busy life to say "thank you".  "Thank you for raising me, for loving me, for giving me life."  Do it now...while you can.

New Year's Resolutions

I tend not to make resolutions for the New Year as I (like most people) don't tend to keep them.  However, this year, I'm making a few, and here they are:

1) I'm leaving North Carolina and moving back to New York.  Yep.  That's a biggie, I know, but I believe it's time.  First, my mom is going to be 82 in April, and I think she needs me.  More important than that is that I need her.  I know that the day will come when she's no longer around, but I would like to postpone that for as long as possible.  I've been away 10 years now.  And it's been an interesting, productive and painful 10 years.  I've tried talking her into moving down here--moving away from the cold weather, but she hasn't and now says it's too late.  And it may well be.  I'm younger, healthier (especially now) and a move would be easier for me.  So I'm going to do it.  I'm going to work the rest of this school year, and then I'm going to move back north.  I'm a New Yorker in my heart.  It's always been true--we New Yorkers are a special breed.  We're fast, smart, liberally minded, tough and independent...and I've never completely fit in here.  I spent the holidays in NY, and it was cold and snowy, and I still hate the snow, but I love my mom more.  So come June, I'm packing up and heading home.

2) I'm going to write more.  Here and with my novels.  I'm going to edit and send the two books I've written to agents.  I'm going to find an agent this year.  I'm a talented wordsmith--it's time I get recognition for that.

3) I'm going to date more.  After Kevin, I retreated into myself a little.  I found myself disinterested in going back "out there", even though I DID date a few men.  I just wasn't really interested in pursuing anything beyond a first or second date.  But I'm going to start.  I am.  I have a single friend in Raleigh, and she  and I are going to go to a few "meet-up" events together.  I'm not looking for anything serious down here--but that doesn't mean I can't have fun for the next six months!

4) I'm going to work out more.  I'm not going to join a gym here in NC, but I will start walking more and start toning.  I've lost a lot of weight--and I look good in clothes, but naked?  Not so much.  It's time to firm up and that's my goal for this year.

There you have it.  Four resolutions.  Not too many, and none of which is unattainable.   Create your own list, but remember to make it short and sweet.  And don't beat yourself up if you don't keep your resolutions...you always have 2014!

Have a very happy New Year, all...and make yourself your number one priority this year.  That's an order!