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Monday, July 30, 2012

Reinventing Rhonda

Sorry I haven't written in a few days, but I've been busy--catching up on sleep!  I didn't realize how poorly I'd been sleeping after I was laid off.  I think I've caught up now...after days of naps and going to bed early!  I realized while I was unemployed that I was stressed, but I didn't fully realize how it was affecting my sleep!  

Today, I'm going to Raleigh to meet my friend Mary Caroline and her husband (and possibly daughter--I'm not sure if I followed that thread of the conversation) for lunch at the Twisted Fork.  They have an amazing Thai chicken salad that I love!  I saw Mary Caroline two weeks ago when I was in New York, but I haven't seen her husband in years, so it'll be a great visit!

After lunch, I'm going to my new school to meet with the department chair, to see my room and get my books.  I'm so excited!  Most teachers are already dreading the beginning of the school year, but I can't wait!  

Reinvention.  That's what I'm going through.  I'm reinventing myself.  The people at this new school don't know me, so they don't know I was fat.  They don't need to know, either, unless I choose to tell them.  I have a new body, a new outlook and now a new job.  It's really a great time for a shiny new beginning!

You don't have to wait for something monumental to happen in order to reinvent yourself.  There's no time like the present.  If there's something you want to change, change it!  You can't rewrite your history, but you CAN choose how it paints your future.  Have a marvelous Monday!

Friday, July 27, 2012

Working Girl!

I got a job!  Actually, I got THREE of them!  Too funny--I had THREE job offers yesterday.  I had an interview yesterday morning--the school had actually called my friend Virginia who already HAS a job, so she gave them my name.  Within two and a half hours, they called me and offered the job!  Two hours later, the school where I interviewed on Tuesday called to offer me a position, and an hour after that, the school where I interviewed on Monday called!

I accepted the first offer--and at first, I was taken aback by the second and third offers.  However, I thought about it, prayed on it, and I feel pretty secure in my choice.  I instantly liked the English department chair and think we'll become fast friends.  This school is about 40 minutes away, and I'll definitely commute for the first few months.  I may look for another place to live, but having pets can make that search a difficult one, so we'll see.

I went out to lunch with Dorothy and her grandchildren--and she treated to celebrate my new job.  We went to Ichiban, which is a Japanese grill.  I had the teriyaki chicken with extra carrots rather than rice, which is just too filling!  I've had to show my card there in order to get the extra carrots--and the last time I was there, I had to show my ID along with the card! And of course, I only ate about half my lunch--the rest is in the refrigerator for lunch today!

I was supposed to see my doctor for my annual post-surgical check, but I had to cancel because I wasn't feeling well.  (I don't think it was lunch but it may have been the cherries I ate Wednesday night--they were delicious but fresh fruit sometimes gets me!)  I've rescheduled for Tuesday, so we'll have an "official" total for how much I've lost in a year!  I think it's around 122 pounds!

Have a fantastic Friday!!  Now that I have a job, I can actually begin to enjoy my summer vacation!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Hello, Goodbye

Today, Kevin is having gastric bypass surgery, and last night, I ended things with him.  He has been acting strangely for weeks, and I know that it was in anticipation of this surgery.  I had had high hopes for our relationship, but I think he was keeping me at a distance so that he would be ready for "all" the women he expects to get once he's lost the weight.

I don't fully blame him.  Not completely. This surgery creates new realities.  It does.  I get much more male attention now than I've ever received!  Men's heads actually turn!  However flattering the attention, and it IS flattering, it doesn't change who I am.  I am a good person who happens to be in a smaller body than I've been in for the past 25 years.  I'm still the same person--I still have the same good heart.  Kevin once told me that his father said to him, "When you lose the weight, you're going to be a real ass****!"  I was horrified when Kevin told me that, but I think he was right.

I cried a little last night, but today, I'm fine.  I wish Kevin all the best with his surgery, and I hope he discovers that no matter your body size, a good heart is still the most important thing you can possess.

Wishing you a wonderful Wednesday.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Don't Worry...Be Happy!

I'm home.  I got in around 8pm last night, and I had to run out to the store to get cat food!  (The little monsters ate it all while I was gone!)My mood is much better than it was.  I had an interview this morning for a middle school position--and although my initial reaction was "ugh", I now think I want it!  The interview went well, so we'll see...

Below is a photo you may remember.  It was taken in July 2011, about a month before my surgery.

I don't know about you, but I scarcely recognize her.  Jeanie and I recreated the photo on Friday night. 
What a difference, huh?  Other than my employment situation, I'm the happiest I've ever been!  And the job thing WILL happen...wherever it is that I belong!

Have a merry Monday!

Thursday, July 19, 2012


I was rejected as an applicant by American Airlines, who apparently don't think (without even meeting me) I'm good enough to handle phone reservations.  And I've had three interviews for which I've been rejected, and I've submitted at least a dozen resumes, which have also been rejected.  Feeling VERY worthless.

People have been really supportive--and I do appreciate it, but this funk is swallowing me alive.  I bought a cute new purse last night--which was marked down and on sale from $48 to $22, and that cheered me up a little.  I stopped and saw Robb and Thao for a bit last night, and that cheered me up a little,too.

I just had  phone call from a local school district and have an interview on Tuesday.  That means I have one on Monday and one on Tuesday.  I'm so tired of being rejected, but I can't give up.  Like I wrote the other day, it's important to keep fighting for something you want--but damn, it's TIRING!

Have a thoughtful Thursday!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Facing the Demons...

I'm really down.  I have to admit it.  Life is really difficult right now, and in the past when life was difficult, I could turn to food.  I don't have that option anymore.  So I'm feeling it--and feeling awful.  Today, I got away from my mother for a while and went to the Christmas Tree Shoppe and to Five Below, both of which I really love.  When I came out of Five Below, I discovered I had missed a call.  It was from the Raleigh area, so I dialed it.  Forgetting that NY is hands-free cell phone wise, I found that it was someone checking a reference for a friend and former colleague.  I promptly got pulled over for driving with a cell phone.  The ticket will probably cost me $50 or more.  More crap to deal if my life isn't sucking ENOUGH right now.

No job.  No love life.  No money.  And now a ticket.  Sucks, sucks, sucks.  And I KNOW that people mean well, but I am SO tired of hearing that God has a plan.  Because whatever His plan is, it's not HELPING me right now.

Sorry to be so down, but as I said before--this blog is nothing, if not REAL.  Hope things are going better for YOU than they are for me right now...

Monday, July 16, 2012

Worth Fighting For!

When was the last time you fought for something you wanted or believed in?  I mean, really truly FOUGHT?  I used to let things go without fighting for them.  I used to decide that it was too difficult or not worth the struggle.  Whether it was a job or a relationship or a personal goal, when the going got tough, I gave up.  Of course, then I felt bad about myself for quitting, and when it came time to fight again, I just didn't have the fight in me. And thus began a vicious cycle!

Not anymore.  If I want something, I'll fight for it.  And I mean, I'll fight.  I'll risk looking like a fool if it means attaining my goal.  I'll go out on a limb until said limb is close to breaking.  I'll put my feelings out there for the world to see.  I'll take whatever risks are necessary if it's something I truly want.

Of course, one thing this requires is knowing what you truly want.  Perhaps that sounds silly or obvious, but think about it.  How many times have you THOUGHT you wanted something in life, only to find that you didn't want it once you got it.  Often, the pursuit is what we want--not the end product.  But if you find something you want, then you need to BELIEVE that it's worth fighting for. And then pull out all the stops.  Go for it.  What's the worst that can happen?  That employer who had no intention of hiring you might think you're nuts.  Or maybe he/she will be convinced to hire you.  That relationship might go south--or it might work out.  You may decide you hate living in a new place--or you may just love it.

There is no reward without some risk.  If you want it, truly WANT it, it must be worth SOME risk, right?  When I had the surgery, it was a great risk--literally, I risked my life with this major surgery.  But I've never looked back; all the bad things that "could have" happened didn't happen; and I've never felt more self-confident and attractive.  Worth fighting for?  You BET!

Have a marvelous Monday--I'll try to write again Wednesday.  It's tough to write every day with limited WiFi access!  And, as always, thanks for reading!

Friday, July 13, 2012

Positive Feedback

Well, I think the interview went well, but only time will tell.  They said that I was one of six candidates and would have an answer by the first of next week.  Cross your fingers!

After the interview, I went to meet up with Whitney, whom I've not seen in a year or more.  She looks great and is making homemade soap and other beauty products from all-natural ingredients.  She brought me a little gift bag, so the least I can do is give her products a plug!  Her website is  Check it out!

I received feedback from two readers that yesterday's post was helpful and "just what they needed" to read!  I love getting feedback from readers!  I write this blog to help myself, but if it helps others--wow!!

Whitney was really complimentary when I saw her--after all, I'm more than 120 pounds lighter than I was the last time we were together!  It felt great, but she and I discussed how my head just has not caught up with my body.  She asked if I had thought about seeing a counselor to discuss it, and I have thought about it--but this blog is my therapy!

So how did you do with your affirmations?  Did you tell yourself 12 positive things for EVERY negative thing you said or thought?  If not, you need to get busy!  Write down positive statements if you need to: I deserve to be happy.  I am a good and loving person.  I am a hard worker.  I am a great (fill in the blank).  Remember: you need 12 positives to replace ONE negative.  Sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it?  So simplify things by putting the negatives out of your head!

It's Friday!  I'm going to a bridal shower tonight and then hitting the road in the morning.  This may be my last post for a week...but check back!  Have a terrific weekend; be safe, and be POSITIVE!!

Thursday, July 12, 2012


A former student posted this on Facebook.  It made me laugh, and I shared it with everyone on Facebook, so I thought I'd share it here as well.

Yes, life IS short.  But it is ALSO terrifying and confusing!  Have you ever come close to a goal only to feel a sense of dread? When you're so close to having whatever you've dreamed of...and you hit a wall?  Not literally, of course, but metaphorically.  Maybe you've wanted that dream job.  Now it looks like you might actually get it, and suddenly you're filled with dread and self-doubt.  Maybe it's a great relationship--you've finally met someone with whom you have so much in common, someone who makes you laugh, someone with whom you have a real connection--that someone you were beginning to believe didn't exist.  And what do you do?  Do you embrace the new relationship?  Or do you push him/her away?  Maybe you're dieting...and within five pounds of your goal weight when you self-sabotage and start eating everything in sight.

Fear pushes us in strange directions.  When I was teaching seniors, I saw them self-sabotage time and time again.  They were close to graduation when they would suddenly stop doing what they were supposed to do in order to complete graduation requirements.  It was more than "senioritis" was fear.  Fear of the next step, of college or the work force.  Fear of the end of childhood and the beginning of adulthood.  When I used to diet, I would lose weight, get uncomfortable with male attention and eat to put the "safety weight" back on.  I self-sabotaged all the time. 

Why do we self-sabotage?  I think that in part it's habit.  We are so used to NOT having what we want that we don't know what to do with it when we finally get it.  But I think that a larger part of it is that we don't believe we DESERVE the goal.  It's as if we unconsciously think, I don't deserve that dream job.  I don't deserve this wonderful woman (or man).  I don't deserve to be thin and happy.

But you DO deserve it.  I once read that for every negative thing we hear or think, we have to hear or think TWELVE positive things to wipe out the effect of the negative.  TWELVE!  Imagine how many negative things you said or thought today...and start turning them around by replacing them with positive affirmations.  You deserve to be happy.  Please believe that in your heart.
Today is my interview.  1pm EDT.  Stop wherever you are and ask for intervention on my behalf.  Please...I need to teach--it's who I am!!  Have a thankful, thought-filled, POSITIVE Thursday!!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

A Great Day!

I had such a great Tuesday! Of course, getting the call about the job interview was wonderful, but even better things happened after that!

First, I had lunch with Tracynda, a former student, with her darling brother, Trace (also a former student) and Tracynda's sweet little boy, Neko.  Tracynda's husband, Ryan (also a former student) joined us a little later as well!  Neko is nearly two and just the cutest thing!  He was shy at first, but when he warmed up, he came right across the table to kiss me.  And he kissed me.  And kissed me.  And kissed me!  Such a little sweetie!  Kids like me--they always have.  I'd like to think it's because they can tell what kind of heart I have!  Kids don't get caught up with the superficial stuff--they either like you or they don't.  I had two chicken taquitos for lunch--not much, and they WERE fried, but delicious, and I don't eat fried foods very often.

After lunch, I went to the grocery store because I was making dinner for my "friend".  I'm just going to call him "him" to give him some privacy.  I drove to his house and made "grandma's chicken", which is this amazingly decadent oven-fried chicken using butter and bread crumbs and Parmesan cheese.  It's not at ALL heart healthy, but it IS delicious, and I don't eat it often. I can only eat a small piece, anyway.  "He" loved it--had two pieces and I made enough so that we both will have it for lunch and/or dinner today!  After dinner, we watched "The Godfather", which I've never seen. (I know--the movie-holic that I am hasn't seen a classic like that!!)  We didn't finish it because it was late and it's a long movie, but it was really nice cuddling up with him and watching the movie--a great ending to a really great day.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at his house--and was taken aback at how small I am, particularly through the hips which was always my largest area.  I'm really an "average" sized woman.  I know I've written about this before, but my head STILL hasn't caught up with my body when it comes to self-image.  On one level, I know I'm a lot smaller than I was, but on another, I still feel so fat.  I was truly surprised to see how small my stomach and hips are because I still have that "before" photo in my head!

I hope that you have a wonderful Wednesday.  Enjoy the day!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Good News Tuesday!

I just had a call for an interview on Thursday!  I had posted--five minutes earlier--on Facebook for my prayer warrior friends to pray for me.  Five minutes!  Of course, it may have been the email I sent telling the principal that my friend and former colleague Whitney works for him and would highly recommend me.  Or maybe it was the fact that I had made plans to go home on Thursday!

Still, I'm encouraged.   I need a teaching job.  I could afford to live on unemployment, but I don't want to.  I want to teach.  I NEED to teach.  It's who I am!

I'm making dinner for a friend tonight...wish me luck.  I'm usually a great cook, but nerves are nerves!  But an evening of movies, laughs and good food is just what I need!

Have a terrific Tuesday...mine is off to a good start!

Monday, July 9, 2012

Just Another Manic Monday...

Happy Monday, everyone.  It's my hope that today I'll hear from a few schools...I've sent out a bunch of resumes, and most schools were closed last week, so...

I saw "Ted" was funny, offensive sometimes but also really kind of sweet.  I needed a mindless movie that would let me giggle, and "Ted" truly fit the bill.  It was also super hot yesterday--my car's thermometer read "111" when we came out of the theatre, so it was a good, cool place to be, anyway!

Somehow, I gained 4 pounds between Thursday and Saturday.  (Gas?  Water weight?) But when I weighed in Sunday, it was gone.  Funny, because I really felt heavier!  Bloated and uncomfortable with just FOUR extra pounds.  It's "funny" because I don't ever remember feeling like I was gaining weight before the surgery--I just wore stretchy clothing and kept on eating.  This 4-pound gain alarmed me a little--I hadn't really eaten anything terrible--roast chicken and a little potato salad, mostly.  Still, four pounds in three days?  Whatever it was is gone though, and I weighed in yesterday at the same weight as Thursday.  (And I actually "felt" it was gone.)

It's strange to be THAT in touch with my body--but also really great.  I don't ever want to gain back the weight I've lost, and if I can be that aware, I don't think it will be a problem!

Have a marvelous Monday, everyone...and cross your fingers that I get some interviews! (And of course, a J-O-B!)

Saturday, July 7, 2012

In a State of Flux

I woke up this morning not knowing what day it was.  This is what happens to teachers in the summer.  We live so "Monday through Friday" that we lose track of the days during the summer!

I'm up earlier than I like to be because something I ate forced the issue.  I woke up with a stomachache and after two trips into the bathroom, I'm feeling better and will try to go back to sleep after I write this.  

I received an invitation to a "lingerie shower" for one of my former colleagues for next Friday.  I'd love to go, but I'm not sure if I can afford to buy a gift.  I have to wait a week before unemployment starts, so I'm not sure when the money will even start.  I've never collected unemployment in my life, so I really don't know how things work.  And as a rule, lingerie is expensive!

My mother really wants me to come to New York for another visit--to the point where she's offered to pay for the gas to get me there.  I'm torn--I want to go see her, but I'd like to have a job when I do.  Additionally, I'd hate to get up there just to get asked for an interview down here.  I'd just have to turn around and come back.  My mom had suggested early August, but I have jury duty on August 5th.  I have an annual recheck exam at my surgeon's office on July 19th, and a friend is having surgery on the 25th, and I'd like to be here for that.  If I DO get a job, the start date is probably August 17th.  I'm really hoping that I'll hear about a job this coming week--cross your fingers for me, please!

I went back to the dating website and cancelled my profile--again.  I really don't want to even think about dating right now.  First, I'm not over you-know-who and second, I am really hoping he and I can "fix" things eventually.  Sometimes you have to fight for what you want, and sometimes you have to be patient and hope that it will work out.  

Have a super Saturday.  Saturday?  Yep, it's Saturday--I checked the calendar!

Friday, July 6, 2012

Spider-Man...and Talk to Me!

"The Amazing Spider-man" is just that--amazing.  Truth be told, when I saw they were making another Spider-man movie, I thought, do we really need another?  So I went to the movie not expecting much--and was very pleasantly surprised!  I love Emma Stone--I think she's one of the prettiest and most "accessible" of today's starlets, and she does a great job as Gwen Stacy.  Denis Leary is terrific as her no-nonsense police captain father, and Andrew Garfield, whom I don't even remember seeing in "The Social Network," is very good in the role of the high-school aged Peter Parker, even though according to IMDB, he's nearly 29 years old!  It was especially fun in IMAX 3-D.

I applied to three more schools in Wake County yesterday--I'm not giving up without a fight.  There is a job opening in Halifax County, but I've heard such horrific things about those schools that I don't know as I could handle working there.  Many of the schools to which I've applied have been closed this week because of the holiday, so I'm hoping that I'll hear from some of them next week.

I wanted to talk a minute about something really close to my heart--communication.  Technology is wonderful--I'm able to share my experiences with you because of it.  I have readers in Russia, Germany, Australia, Mexico--literally all over the world!  And I find that exciting and fascinating.  However, as wonderful as technology is, it can also create problems.  For example, you can't discern someone's tone of voice via a text message or in an email.  It's very difficult to know when someone is kidding unless they write "j/k" or "lol".  It's very easy to misunderstand what someone means, and that's why we should try to do as much face-to-face or at the very least voice-to-voice communication as possible.  I think that there would be much less violence in the world if people just talked to each other; I think there would be less divorce, less anger, less misunderstanding.  I've always encouraged my students to write down feelings--and I do believe that written communication is effective, but more in the form of full letters than in text messages.  Often texts are intended to be quick and to the point--and that's why I think they can be misunderstood!

So the next time you have something important to tell someone, TELL them.  Pick up the phone and call.  Skype with them so that you can see their face.  Make a lunch date and sit down together.  Don't depend on that text message--especially if it's a matter that could hurt someone if misunderstood.  It's Friday--have a fabulous one!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Mourning Has Broken...

No, that's not a misspelling--I don't mean "morning".  I've stopped mourning Kevin's and my relationship.  I have to move on.  That doesn't mean I'm going to start dating tomorrow, but there are other men in the world, and Kevin has made his choice.

I'm going to see "The Amazing Spider-Man" at the IMAX at 1pm.  And I'll hit the pool on my way back into town.  Rhonda is back, folks!  I love seeing movies at the IMAX!  After the movie, I'll stop at World Market and at Five Below for a few bargains.  World Market has a top I love, but it comes in two sizes--L/XL and S/M.  I'm not sure if the small/medium will fit, although the S/M jacket I bought at Macy's last week does...

The other day I read an article, "9 Things Never to Do After a Break-up".  I think I've done six of the nine, including contacting him afterward.  Don't look to me for break-up advice, folks!  But truth be told, I don't think there are any "rules" you should follow when it comes to relationships.  You have to do what you have to do.

It's Thursday.  Have a really good one!  I'm going to!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Independence Day

Happy 4th of July.  I hope that you're spending the day with someone you love--or at least like a lot.  I'm spending the day at home.  Last night, there were fireworks at the municipal stadium in Rocky Mount, which is just down the road from the Y.  When I left the Y, there were people in chairs on the Y's lawn already waiting to see the fireworks.  I didn't wait.  I didn't need to see the fireworks last night.  I HAD them...but that was then, this is now.

I took a big step last night and restored my profile on the dating website where I met Kevin.  Not that I want to date anyone right now, because I don't, but because I need to get back out there eventually.  So I restored the profile and we'll see what happens...

One thing I did want to share is the fact that I don't have the muscle strength that I had.  One of the reasons we're supposed to exercise is because we lose muscle mass as we lose weight.  When I first went back to the pool last week, I could swim for 30 minutes.  Before I stopped going to the pool a few months ago (and 50 pounds ago), I could do an hour in the water.  Last night, I worked for 45 minutes, so I'm getting there.  I'm also able to get out of the pool in the deep end via the ladder--before losing the weight, I would walk out of the pool at the shallow end.

I hope that however you spend your day, you spend it having fun.  Just because I'm miserable doesn't mean everyone should be.  And borrowing from Katy Perry, "Baby, you're a firework!"  Happy 4th!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

A Pretty Full Day...

I got up early this morning and went to Duke with Dorothy and her husband.  He tolerated the medical procedure well, and we were able to leave Duke by noon.  I went to the mall in Durham, the Streets at Southpoint, where I went to Macy's and found a really cute top marked down from $42.99 to $6.25.  Yes, you read that correctly!  It's cute, also a size medium, and that price!  I love Macy's sales, but I honestly cannot imagine ever paying full price there!

From Macy's, I went to the food court, walked through looking for something to eat and settled for half of an almond pretzel from Auntie Anne's.  Now, I know it was absolutely WRONG to eat.  First of all, I barely got home before the diarrhea kicked in.  Second, I knew it was going to bother me, but I did it anyway.  I'm still trying to lick my wounds, I guess, and while I know in my heart that food isn't going to help me feel any better, I guess old habits die hard. 

I love to people watch, and I guess I always have.  However, one weird thing I do is try to find women in the crowd who are my size.  I've always done this--but I think I used to be better at it than I am now.  I always look at very plus-sized women, but that's not me anymore.  More than anything, I am an "average-sized" woman now.  I'm somewhere between a size 12 and a size 14, although my butt and stomach are still pretty big.  Remember--this weight loss is "top down", which is why I'm wearing a size medium top (sizes 10-12) but a large (size 14) pants!  

When people read I was giving up the blog, they assumed I was giving up losing weight.  NO.  First, I'm not dieting, people, so there's no stopping it, anyway.  I'm going to continue to lose weight until my body is done.  Second, I didn't start this process for anyone but myself.  I wouldn't give it up for anyone else, either.  Although I do miss you-know-who.  A lot.  And I keep hoping (against hope) to hear from him, but no such luck...sigh.

I'm going to the Y tonight for a's closed tomorrow, so I've got to get my workout in.  Nina was kind enough to invite me to come down there tomorrow for the 4th, but I don't want to be with anyone other than "he who must not be named".  

Have a wonderful Fourth of July...don't overeat and if you MUST play with fireworks, be careful.  The best thing to do, though, is to leave them to the pros!

Monday, July 2, 2012


Last night, we had a terrible storm and were without power for six hours.  Today, my yard is littered with branches, leaves and other storm debris.  However, I'm talking about emotional aftermath--which is what I'm dealing with today. I'm sitting here--as I have all day--feeling sorry for myself.  I just had a call from Nina, who's my former fiance's ex-wife.  She told me that she checked here for another post, hoping that I had changed my mind.  At the time of her phone call, I had not.

However, I have now.  This blog was never about being positive--it was about being REAL.  And I have been real, haven't I?  So why stop now?  So I'm back.  I may not like my situation but it's real.  So here I go...

I spent the day doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself.  And yes, my job situation sucks, but it really IS early in the summer yet.   I got an email today from a principal to whom I had written--and NOT attached my resume.  I immediately sent it out, but what can this guy think about me?  I apologized profusely, and we'll see what happens.

When she called, Nina said she was sorry I was going through so much, but that Kevin probably wasn't the right guy for me.  I wish I believed that.  I hate that we only had a month to discover each other...and that perhaps things could have been different.  I honestly was falling pretty hard--and felt sure he was, too.  More than that, we had become friends.  I miss him.  I do.  I miss talking to him and playing "Draw Something" with him.  I miss turning to him for support and for laughter and talking to him about politics and other things.  I keep staring at my phone hoping to hear from him.  I miss him, and it hurts.  A lot.

What do you do when you're hurting emotionally?  Are Ben & Jerry suddenly your best friends?  I can't have them as friends...even if I could, I could eat a few spoonfuls before I felt sick.  I would love to eat chips and cookies and the junk food that used to get me through times like this--but I can't do it anymore.  Not that I haven't tried.  But three Oreos gave me a stomachache AND diarrhea.  Nina turned me on to BIG Wheat Thins--and I love them.  But I can't eat many of them--and what I've discovered, of course, is that NO food can fill an emotional void like the one I have right now.

So today was my day of self-pity and self-indulgence.  I'm going to get off my butt tomorrow and am going to support my friend Dorothy while her husband goes through some medical stuff at Duke.  And I'm going to try to miss Kevin less.  But...since I'm being real here, I've got to's not going to be easy.

Thank you for being here.  Again. xox

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Goodbye for Now...

I've decided to stop blogging for a while.  First, I'm down about not having a job.  Second, Kevin ended our relationship, saying he had other "obligations that will require most of (his) time".  The news devastated me because 1) it was out of the blue, and 2) I was developing real feelings for him.  (And the really sad part is that I know he was developing feelings for me, too.)

It's too hard to write about being positive when I'm feeling anything but.  Jason called and asked me out again.  I confessed to him that I only went out to dinner with him on the rebound last week, but he said he didn't care--that he'd still like to take me out again.  I didn't say yes.  I think I'm done with giving people my heart for a while.

I'll be back...I just don't know when.  Maybe when I get a job.  Or after my annual recheck, which is early because I had to make an appointment before my insurance runs out, so it's July 19.  All I know is that I can't do this right now.

Thank you all SO very much for all your support.  I'm crying as I type this because I feel close to each and every one of you.

Sorrow and the Heat

The hot weather is difficult to deal with.  Especially when people around me behave erratically, (which is something I just can't write about.  I thought I could, but I can't.)  I spent a little time at the Y yesterday, but ran into two of my former 9th graders, who made it a point to leave their basketball game to come hug me.

It saddened me.  So incredibly much that I couldn't bear it.  I cut my workout short because I couldn't stop missing them--missing all my kids.

Yesterday the high here was 100; today, it's supposed to reach 100 again.  I will say that now that I'm 121 pounds lighter than I was last summer, the heat doesn't bother me as much as it did.  However, 100 degrees is hot, no matter your size!

Stay cool, everyone.  And have a serene Sunday.