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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

A Shot in the Dark

I think that I'm suffering from PTSD.  I know that people have been through far more traumatic events than a hurricane, but *I* haven't.  First, I went over alone to empty the refrigerator of spoiling food, then Dorothy and I rode over to my house today--I haven't exaggerated the damage at all; in fact, I may have understated.  And when I was there alone, I realized something very disquieting--I don't *love* my little cottage anymore.

I *did* love being ensconced in the woods--now I'm terrified.  Seriously.  I thought I was going to have a panic attack while I was emptying the fridge.  And then tonight, while I was safely in Dorothy's cool, well-lit living room, we had two massive thunderstorms come through.  I thought I was going to have a heart attack.  I just didn't want to go through that again.

You have to understand that there were at least 25 trees around me felled by this hurricane.  Literally every twenty minutes or so, I'd hear a loud "crack!" as if a gun had gone off--and another tree fell.  I sat alone, holding my breath, waiting to see if the next crack was the tree that was going to crush me to death in my formerly beloved cottage in the woods.

The toughest part was being alone.  I am a really strong woman, but this was devastation all around me and I couldn't do anything about it.  When it was all said and done, I jumped in the car and drove for three hours to go to Sonny's BBQ in Concord, NC.  I didn't want the food--I barely ate two ounces of pulled pork--but I wanted the *control*.  I needed to do something that was under *my* control.  So with the purchase of my lunch, I got enough food for three meals (at least), and I proved that at least for a little while, I was in charge of my life. 

And no, the power isn't on in my little cottage yet--I need a new electrical meter and then an inspection and then the wires run from the road--but I'm safe and dry and staying with a good friend.  I also can celebrate that I'm not out ruining my health by eating through this traumatic time--and for that, I'm completely grateful.  Dolly Parton said, "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."  I agree with her--but after the past few days, I am so ready for that rainbow!

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