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Monday, July 2, 2012

Aftermath...

Last night, we had a terrible storm and were without power for six hours.  Today, my yard is littered with branches, leaves and other storm debris.  However, I'm talking about emotional aftermath--which is what I'm dealing with today. I'm sitting here--as I have all day--feeling sorry for myself.  I just had a call from Nina, who's my former fiance's ex-wife.  She told me that she checked here for another post, hoping that I had changed my mind.  At the time of her phone call, I had not.

However, I have now.  This blog was never about being positive--it was about being REAL.  And I have been real, haven't I?  So why stop now?  So I'm back.  I may not like my situation but it's real.  So here I go...

I spent the day doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself.  And yes, my job situation sucks, but it really IS early in the summer yet.   I got an email today from a principal to whom I had written--and NOT attached my resume.  I immediately sent it out, but what can this guy think about me?  I apologized profusely, and we'll see what happens.

When she called, Nina said she was sorry I was going through so much, but that Kevin probably wasn't the right guy for me.  I wish I believed that.  I hate that we only had a month to discover each other...and that perhaps things could have been different.  I honestly was falling pretty hard--and felt sure he was, too.  More than that, we had become friends.  I miss him.  I do.  I miss talking to him and playing "Draw Something" with him.  I miss turning to him for support and for laughter and talking to him about politics and other things.  I keep staring at my phone hoping to hear from him.  I miss him, and it hurts.  A lot.

What do you do when you're hurting emotionally?  Are Ben & Jerry suddenly your best friends?  I can't have them as friends...even if I could, I could eat a few spoonfuls before I felt sick.  I would love to eat chips and cookies and the junk food that used to get me through times like this--but I can't do it anymore.  Not that I haven't tried.  But three Oreos gave me a stomachache AND diarrhea.  Nina turned me on to BIG Wheat Thins--and I love them.  But I can't eat many of them--and what I've discovered, of course, is that NO food can fill an emotional void like the one I have right now.

So today was my day of self-pity and self-indulgence.  I'm going to get off my butt tomorrow and am going to support my friend Dorothy while her husband goes through some medical stuff at Duke.  And I'm going to try to miss Kevin less.  But...since I'm being real here, I've got to confess...it's not going to be easy.

Thank you for being here.  Again. xox

2 comments:

  1. Hey Rhonda, I just read your post and I am sorry that you are going through so much right now. Having been there myself I know there is really nothing anyone can say to make it hurt less. Just remember I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as so many people do. There are so many people out there who love you. And just look at what you have accomplished. There are not many people who could have done what you have done. You are amazing and you look amazing!!!!! Always remember that. I am planning to come to NC sometime in July/August. I would love to get together then. Stay strong!

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  2. I know that words from other people aren't going to negate the things you are feeling but I wanted you to know that you are such an inspiration to me. You are beautiful and smart and you go through so much (pardon my language)crap but you always come out fighting. My 9th grade English teacher told me to write when I'm hurting and to immerse myself into literature to help express the feelings that I couldn't get out. To this day that was the best advice that anyone has given me, it has helped me beyond belief. I'm glad you aren't giving up your blog. I enjoy reading the happy and the sad because it allows me to stay connected to an amazing woman who changed my life just by being herself! <3

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