Last night, we had a terrible storm and were without power for six hours. Today, my yard is littered with branches, leaves and other storm debris. However, I'm talking about emotional aftermath--which is what I'm dealing with today. I'm sitting here--as I have all day--feeling sorry for myself. I just had a call from Nina, who's my former fiance's ex-wife. She told me that she checked here for another post, hoping that I had changed my mind. At the time of her phone call, I had not.
However, I have now. This blog was never about being positive--it was about being REAL. And I have been real, haven't I? So why stop now? So I'm back. I may not like my situation but it's real. So here I go...
I spent the day doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself. And yes, my job situation sucks, but it really IS early in the summer yet. I got an email today from a principal to whom I had written--and NOT attached my resume. I immediately sent it out, but what can this guy think about me? I apologized profusely, and we'll see what happens.
When she called, Nina said she was sorry I was going through so much, but that Kevin probably wasn't the right guy for me. I wish I believed that. I hate that we only had a month to discover each other...and that perhaps things could have been different. I honestly was falling pretty hard--and felt sure he was, too. More than that, we had become friends. I miss him. I do. I miss talking to him and playing "Draw Something" with him. I miss turning to him for support and for laughter and talking to him about politics and other things. I keep staring at my phone hoping to hear from him. I miss him, and it hurts. A lot.
What do you do when you're hurting emotionally? Are Ben & Jerry suddenly your best friends? I can't have them as friends...even if I could, I could eat a few spoonfuls before I felt sick. I would love to eat chips and cookies and the junk food that used to get me through times like this--but I can't do it anymore. Not that I haven't tried. But three Oreos gave me a stomachache AND diarrhea. Nina turned me on to BIG Wheat Thins--and I love them. But I can't eat many of them--and what I've discovered, of course, is that NO food can fill an emotional void like the one I have right now.
So today was my day of self-pity and self-indulgence. I'm going to get off my butt tomorrow and am going to support my friend Dorothy while her husband goes through some medical stuff at Duke. And I'm going to try to miss Kevin less. But...since I'm being real here, I've got to confess...it's not going to be easy.