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Thursday, December 15, 2011

Big AND Beautiful???

Have you ever known a fat woman who reveled in her size?  Who considered herself a BBW (big, beautiful woman for those of you unfamiliar with the vernacular)?  Who dressed in tight, "sexy" clothing and flaunted all she had?  I don't really understand that.  Is it truly self-acceptance or something else?  Can a 350-400 lb woman really love her body?  I read about the woman who was looking to break some kind of "fat woman" record--she wanted to weigh more than 700 pounds. Are these women crazy or supremely confident?

I was not that kind of fat woman.  While I am still fat, I'm thinner than I was, so I feel I can speak about this now. I used to hide behind baggy tops and layers.  I didn't want to "flaunt" my fat--I wanted to camouflage it.  I wanted to hide it.  I wanted the world to somehow be "fooled" into thinking that I wasn't as big as I was.  It worked--in that it made me think I was smaller than I actually was!

My ex wanted me to be proud of my fat--I know that now that he's with a 400-lb woman.  But I couldn't be.  I hated having my photograph taken.  I hated looking in a full-length mirror.  And I spent more time feeling less than sexy.  I tried to ignore the negative thoughts I had, but the truth is, I hated my body.  Any attention I received from a man was welcome--it didn't matter if he was a "loser" who had nothing to offer.  I felt the need to "settle", but no more. 

There are dozens of websites devoted to large women and their admirers.  I have never "advertised" on them to meet men because I wanted a man to love me despite my weight, not because of it!!  But today, I think that my head might just be catching up with my weight!  As I rejected a man who was coming on to me, I thought, "I can do better than that!"  And I can!

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