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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Regrets--I've Had a Few...

(NOTE:   This is being written Monday night at 9:30pm)

I don't have to wait until tomorrow to know that I regret what I did tonight.  I ended things with Buddy.  My heart is breaking, but I had to do it for self-preservation.  I just couldn't deal with the idea of him being with/kissing/sleeping with other women.  I guess that it was ME that I was sure was going to get hurt--and I was right.  I know that we had only been seeing each other for a month, but like I said yesterday, nine or ten dates in a month made for a quick relationship. I wish I had infinite patience.  I do.  I wish I could have waited for him to experience other women and then come back to me...in fact, I asked him to do just that.  I said that he should date a lot and that if he doesn't find a wonderful woman to call me.  Maybe he'll come back to me.  Or maybe I just "passed" on the most wonderful thing I've ever had...

And yes, I regret it.  You're probably wondering why I did this; why I didn't just let things continue--after all, we were at least dating.  I got to see him at least once a week, right?  We had fun at the movies, right?  He bought me beautiful roses.  All of these things are true.  But there's something truer.  I deserve to be the only one.  I do.  I deserve a man who sees me for who I am and who can appreciate the total package.  Who doesn't need other women to make him feel special or important or whatever. I don't deserve a man who makes me feel bad about myself because he has to see what else is out there...who isn't satisfied with all that I have to offer.  I deserve more.

Saying that--and believing it--is a big deal for me. The "old" Rhonda would've sat around waiting for his call, jealous and hurting but too afraid to say anything.  The "new" Rhonda realizes that she has a right to her feelings and that a truly GOOD man would realize that while she's not perfect, she is pretty damned good...

I'm sad.  Incredibly sad.  So I'm going to cut this short.  Have a terrific Tuesday, everyone...and I'll TRY to do the same.

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